Rudolf’s father

Santa asked Rudolph to guide his sleigh through the fog.
As the elves put the harness on Rudolph, the crowd surrounding them cheered.
“I knew that nose would be useful some day,” said Rudolph’s father proudly.
This was the same reindeer who was ashamed of the glowing red nose.
The reindeer who made his son cover it up, no matter how uncomfortable it was.
Drove his son to tears, into exile.
And now, he was proud?
Fucking liar.
“Put him on the venison list,” whispered Rudolph. “Or I don’t fly.”
Rudolph’s father had been a jerk.
Now he was jerky.

Santa thieves

Twas the night before Christmas, Bob, Joe, and Ray stole some Santa suits and a van, and they went package pirating out in the suburbs.
They managed to get a pretty good haul, and they didn’t get caught. Twelve days in a row.
After scrubbing the van down and abandoning it, they checked out their haul.
Most of it was the usual cheap crap, groceries and stuff, but there was some jewelry and electronics and computer stuff that they could sell on eBay, or fence through their flea market pals.
“Merry Christmas!” they said, tapping their cans of beer together.

Santa downsizing

As Santa farmed out more and more of the operation to the big tech companies, the elves had less and less to do.
The traditional jobs of cookie-baking and shoe-making had also been automated.
Their ancestral forests long cut down.
And there are so few jobs for mall santa assistants, what, with the malls dying out because of the big tech companies, too.
Idled and furloughed, the elves turned to crime and underground fight clubs.
Bloodied drunk midgets, stumbling the streets at night, stealing hubcaps and hood ornaments to fashion into weapons and drug paraphernalia in their alleyway craft shops.

Weekly Challenge #815 – PICK TWO Square, Unexpected message, Formation, The door flew open, Fret, Prediction, Jelly fish

Visitor

LIZZIE

The elderly home where she lived was… boring.
One day, the door to her room flew open and there he was, as handsome as ever.
“I have a message. In a minute, a man will show up and tell you something. Just say “yes”.
She nodded and wondered. Had he been activated? Odd thing at his age…
“How did you find me?”
“I have my sources.” He smiled. “Remember Prague?”
She smiled too.
“OK. Just say yes.” And he left.
A knock.
She opened the door. It was him again.
“Will you marry me?”
And all she said was “yes”.

RICHARD

Donuts

We were enjoying a mid-morning coffee and donuts when the door flew open and the Lieutenant burst into the office.

“Drop everything! We’ve just intercepted an unexpected message from the killer. If we act fast, we can nail him!”

The room cleared in moments, leaving just me and a box of donuts.

Casually, I typed the command into my computer that would remove all trace of the ‘intercepted’ email.

The killer was still at large, but now that the Lieutenant’s incompetence had been revealed to all. He’d be a laughing stock.

And my promotion would be a dead cert!

TURA

Isolation
———
In this Great Plague, everything you need is delivered by robots, excursions are strictly scheduled, and formations of drones patrol overhead everywhere. We live in fear of the day the door flies open, and a robot announces that it has detected an infection. Those visited are never seen again. But there’s no progress towards a cure or a vaccine.

The robots were programmed to enforce isolation. If we had a cure, we’d stop isolating. So they have to prevent that, by declaring an “outbreak” in any lab that succeeds.

But anyone saying this will be next in line for extermination.

DUANE

“Stand by for an incoming message.”

Nolan stared at the radio. This was quite unexpected. There was a strict schedule for messages. Breaking protocol meant it must be something important, or maybe it was a trap. Had the Dominion found out about this channel? The resistance had been careful not to arouse suspicion, but maybe there was an insider. The Dominion would stop at nothing to stomp out the resistance.

“Message commencing. There has been a breach. Do not leave your homes. Do not use this channel in the future.”

Shattering glass made Nolan curse as the door flew open.

TOM

What Could GO Possibly Wrong 014

Ford peeked judiciously over the table. The bottom of two boots caught his eye, along with the business end of a gun. One of his mates kicked the gun away. The boots didn’t move. Rising up Ford made his way towards the shooter. The man was out cold. “What that on your Face?” quipped the underclasses man. “Oh, looks like a pint glass with a duck, should have heeded the flight.” The barman appears with some industrial strength hand cuffs. “When he comes around will have a go at him.” said Max. Securing the perp to the brass bar rail.

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 015

The formation of the building was less that optimal. More a collection of smoldering beams, dotting with piaster and piping. In place amber were still warm. Cervantes pick amongst the rubble. A flash of light off a piece of glass. He picked it up. In spite of the destruction the pint glass was intact right down to the wanky duck. “Time to set you right,” said Cervantes to the wind and rain. “Time for some major fourth dimensional stacking. The time lord removed a egg timer from a vest pocket and turn it over in his palm. Liquid blue appeared.

NORVAL JOE

“Really,” Billbert said. “I lost everything in that fire, except the clothes on my back.”
“Don’t be silly,” Sabrina said. “It’s not your clothes we want from you, it’s something you can do.”
“I showed you what I can do, and that clearly freaked you out. Are you sure it’s me you want?”
Sabrina nodded. “Here’s what happened. I was on the beach looking for jelly fish when a cloud formation gave me an unexpected message. It said, ‘Don’t fret. Your missing piece is now available and on his way.’ The next day you walked up to me at school.”

SERENDIPIDY

There he stands, our All-Powerful Great Leader watching the assembled military might of our noble nation parading past in the vast square below.

A mass of uniforms marching by in formation, perfectly synchronised and orchestrated, then the ponderous rumble of the weapons of war. Tanks, missiles, rockets and guns: An unequivocal message to the watching world.

But today will be different.

The square falls silent as the assembly comes to a halt.

Turrets swivel, barrels are raised, and the sound of ten thousand rifles being brought to aim rings out.

And today’s parade will be our Exalted Leader’s last!

PLANET Z

I sat on a bench in the old town square.
Trees. Stores. A newspaper kiosk.
A church at one end, and the town hall at the other.
Sipping my beer, watching people walk by.
it’s supposed to rain today.
The church hangs a wooden white cloud in a window.
A sun for sunny, and so on.
But it’s not a forecast. Or a prediction.
The priests in the church, they pray for rain.
And it comes.
I keep coming here, hoping to see them hang the devil puppet in the window.
I will capture him, and show him no mercy.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is BEE

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

Every week, I post a topic for the Weekly Challenge, where you come up with the stories and I collect them up and share them.

Want to give it a try? The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is Bee

Write a 100 word story on that topic. Then, send it in an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

  • The text of your story.
  • A topic or topics for future Weekly Challenges.
  • A website where people can learn more about you and your writing, include the URL to that website.
  • A recording of your story. Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.

I put the episode together on Sunday morning. But, if you need more time, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

DEC 5 Bee
DEC 12 Store
DEC 19 Left
DEC 26 Don’t push me…, Animated, Compassion, Indifferent, Ally, Whale, A fork in the road

THE REST OF THE TOPICS

Overexposed
Even
Pick one
Fight fire with fire
Velcro
Typo
Warren
A thin veneer
Age
Streak
I was very young
Brownie mix
Cliché
Feeble
Uncompromising
Flowering
Are we there yet?
Late
I’ll be there
Hair
Slippery slope
Too much to bear
Weather
Varnish
Explanation
Preventative Maintenance
Contact
Landing
Mice cream
Free
Mice
Chewy
Godzilla
The sweet smell of success
Proposal
Sentence
Trust
Twist
Thicket
Every good intention
Train
Spook
Thousands of years
Virtual reality
Prompt
Extremely flexible
Consensus
Major
Scoreboard
Anywhere
Blocker
Major
Koala
Bleak
Pool
USB socket
Gadget
Robot
Choke
Cross country
Pop
Where’s Ethel?
Toothpaste
Concertina
Pacing
Screaming Kids
Tie
Deal
Archimedes
Evidence
Water Torture
Own
Cassette tape
Remember
Remote
Everyone
Mimes
Contact lens
Crash
Clemency
Speediest
Thumbs up
Remote
What happens next?
Quit
Remastered
Heated
Record
The way we were
Millions
Arrow
January
Code
Offroad
Mouse trap
Base
Facts
Martian
Stamp
Waterproof
The wrong words
Bottomless pit
Safe
A word from an unknown language.
Irresistible
Anaheim
Speed
Put that thing down
Spycam
Pew
Evidence
March
Horror on the subway!
Thick
Exposed
Your honor
Diet
Point
Superhero
Host
Scroll
Style
Range
Together
Block
Cracked pavement
Shenanigans
Blinded
As far as the eye can see
Intake
Forward
Satisfied
Collection
Frozen in time
Recovery
Moisture
Stand
Canyon
Reviewal
Old Videos
Riot of color
Split
Potato eyes
Photograph
It’s a dirty job
Fine
Overhead
Why should I?
Mass
Mustard yellow
Basic
Opportunity
Afford
Blue sky
Part
Rat stew
Points
Detail
Stolen
Bread
Brand awareness
Contact lens
Trailers
Eaten by lions
The lion that ate cherries
Aurora
Hard to believe
Contribution
Crew cut
Dealers
Dirty
Lot
Random
Envision
Dozen
Secretary
Vision
Fuel
It’s a pattern
Cheers
Refreshment
ABC
Thermostat
Diddums
Sponsor
Old Master
Rhymes with…
Grasp
Heinz 57
Loop
Unleashed
Buttery
Tramlines
Vast
Unit
Trying
Painfully shy
Rats
Translation
Crack of dawn
Shine
Falling
Rotten egg
Some guy/girl I met online
Hopeless
Fog a mirror
Oblique
Exterior
Black hole
Videotape
Stakes
Double dip
Goth
Educator
Overheating
Metrics
Figure
Balance
Schism
Flower basket
Double
Heat
Carrots
Rust
Wafer-thin
Creep
Pillows
Pester
Crack
Bookcase
Verdict
Sprint
Crisp
Vulgar
Pregnant
Position
Benefits
Car crash
Free gift
Long live The King
Hit
Scribble
France
Waterfall
Across
You’ll never believe…
Register
Stations
Urge
Infinitesimal
Scratch
Signal
Broken dreams
Arcade
Values
Total security
Train
Still
Officer down
Random Action
One two three…
Pure
You never know
Outsider
Has-beens
All our tomorrows
Express
In my hand
Expected
Cut and dried
Desiccation
Blocker
Blood is thicker than water
Shark
Plain
Spread
Semantics
Cheers
Pots and pans
Landslide
Fret
Crystal
Sponsor
Screen
Red wine
Pebbles
Shiny
A monkey’s wedding
Footlights
Listen
Birthday cake
Now and then
Cat’s pajamas
Rose
Role model
Beep
Curious
No annual contract
Conference
Ballet
Unsafe
Package

Gingerbread town

Every Christmas, Sandy has made a gingerbread house.
She bakes the walls and roof, and little people to put in the house.
Then, she mixes the icing to put it all together.
Assembling the house and decorating it wasn’t hard for her to do.
So, she made it fancier each year.
Bigger houses, electric motors, LED lights, and toy trains.
Soon, she had a whole village built.
Full scale.
You could walk into the houses.
You could live in the houses.
The year she died, we buried her in a gingerbread coffin.
In the gingerbread cemetery.
Outside of Gingerbread City.

Chocolate Santa

When you eat a chocolate bunny, do you eat the ears first or the feet?
What about the tail? Do you eat that first?
I remember a comedian who said that he bit out the eyes and screamed at it.
But that’s crazy.
Because nobody bites out the eyes of their chocolate bunny.
They do that to their chocolate Santa Clauses.
Or they bite out his crotch.
I mean, after all the kids who sat on the laps of mall Santas, especially the ones who were child predators getting off on it?
And the worst part?
They were paid to.

Christmas lawyers

Every time I hear someone say “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” I never hear from their lawyers.
People tend to just say that when they’re frustrated and know they’re wrong, but just want to intimidate you.
Lawyers never actually show up and do things.
Except this one time.
It was Christmas Eve, and there was a knock on the door.
Foolishly, I opened it.
And there were the lawyers.
They sang some wonderful Christmas carols at me.
Now, when people say I’ll be hearing from their lawyers! I say “I look forward to it.”
And make the figgy pudding.

Come to Jesus

I remember one manager who kept saying that we needed to have a “Come To Jesus” moment.
Never mind that I was Jewish.
So, I came to Jesus.
“Hi,” said Jesus.
“HI,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” said Jesus. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I said. “But my boss is an asshole.”
“Try working for your father,” said Jesus.
So, I went back to my boss, quit my job, and went to work for my father’s company.
It totally sucked. And I quit that job too.
I went back to Jesus.
“I’m not very good with sarcasm,” said Jesus.

Chaplin’s Glue

Charlie Chaplin’s mustache was a fake.
He glued it on every morning.
And that glue had a unique smell. A very bad smell.
Everyone on the set of The Kid could smell it, but nobody said anything about it.
Except one.
“Ew, that stinks!” said Jackie Coogan.
Chaplin laughed. “Yes, I know it, it’s right under my nose.”
Years later, a much older Jackie Coogan played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family series.
Wardrobe offered him a white wig to wear.
“We need to glue it on…”
Remembering the stench of Charlie’s glue, Jackie shaved his head and went bald.